Like a Wookie shorn of all of his fur, I am horrified that the squirrels have come back! Weeks have gone by and not one squirrel attack. True, I may have been slacking on the the SDS (Squirrel Defense System) and that may be the reason for their return. Before I show you pictures of the changes we have made to the garden, I will first describe SDS.
SDS
When the attacks first began, I heard from multiple sources that one of the best ways is to get rid of squirrels is to use spices. Eric Ronning (still my hero) suggested using a spicy mixture instead of buying squirrel repellent at the store. Christina spread the word to the rest of her family about the squirrel situation and her Aunt Nancy suggested a mixture of water and tabasco sauce (the hotter the better) to put in a spray bottle. Spraying around the plants and should keep the predators away. Dave also offered the same advice.
This was about 80% effective. Now, I hope no squirrels are reading this, but the other 20% of the SDS is a jalepeno pepper (with seeds and ribs) chopped up into the garden. I put the seeds on some of the leaves of the plants the squirrels really liked. Success rate: 95%
I have no excuse for the squirrels attacking the revised garden. I got lazy. But not so lazy that we didn't rearrange the layout of the garden. The zucchini is enormous and taking over so we took out the strawberry plant and put it in a flower pot next to some crazy looking flowers. The green pepper plant is a major disappointment thus far and now has his own flower pot (MAN UP PEPPERS). This made the strawberries extremely vulnerable to attack and I feel terrible to put that little bush through the horror of a squirrel raid.
Squirrel attack!
New home
Enormous zucchini plant
The tomatoes are under some type of biological warfare. Some of the leaves are yellowing, which means it may have a fungus. After some (5 minutes) research, I found that watering from above the plant might be the cause of this. I also probably should have no been such a rebel and planted the tomato plants farther apart because this can also lead to a fugus. Shit is all up on each other. I should be pruning the plant regularly so the nutrients from the soil go to branches that have fruit and not "sucker" branches. I went on a pruning spree the other day, so let's hope everything starts to even out!
Pruning scraps, mistakenly done with scissors
New and improved tomato plants
Es muy tropical!
Lonely green pepper:
After a talk with her, she requested a little something to express words she is unable to express:
So many saboteurs for one tiny garden! Maybe it was the heat that led to my paranoia but for the past few weeks I felt like people wanted to see the garden FAIL. I have provided a list below of people and their actions that have led me to believe that the failure of the garden is their number one priority.
HATERS:
Serena Vaccarino
One day it's all love for the garden and her strawberries. The next, it's all arm-flailing violence. The intense highs ("Let me do a blog post. I'll make it so real") and the intense lows (previously mentioned attack on the mint bush) cause panic and serious distrust. Hateration Status: wishy-washy
David Turner
I know, this name on the "haters" list shocks me too. However, there have been one too many times where Dave "forgot" to water the garden. Do you forget to feed your children? Our babies need some serious TLC, not inconsistent parenting. Hateration Status: SBD (silent but deadly)
Samantha Freeman
Originally an ally, this one has crossed me one too many times, especially when it comes to felines. In a fragile state of physical exhaustion (no A/C in 100 degree weather) and mental exhaustion (studying for mid-terms) she sends this picture.
EEEECK!!! And yes, she actually paid for postage. Hateration Status: Paranoia inducing hater
Maybe my new AC unit will clear my head to see these folks true intentions. I just hope, for their sake, that they pick which side of the team they are on. I WANT LOYALTY PEOPLE!!
Next post: another special, this time on blood sucking Swiss septuagenarians and updates on anti-squirrel techniques!
Squirrels are the worst thing ever. Before I left for THE DISTRICT! this weekend I watered the plants, said my goodbyes to each and every plant and made sure Dave was available to water when I was gone. When I got home yesterday I bounded up the stairs to greet my babies and OHHHH GOD THE HORROR!!!!
The zucchini, flowering so beautifully after less than a week in the ground had only one flower left! Did they die? Did the rain wash them away? Were the stems too weak to hold up to the elements? NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! The greedy squirrels must have sensed I was gone for the weekend and attacked (I'm almost positive my musk is a squirrel repellent). In fact, Friday afternoon, while walking down the National Mall in THE DISTRICT! I was stopped by a squirrel. I posted the picture to Facebook, thinking nothing of it.
In my period of bereavement and reflection, I think that squirrel was taunting me. He knew his Brooklyn brethren were feasting on freshly grown zucchini flowers. Ugh, how could I be so foolish! I'm angry, confused, disappointed and scared. WORST.THING.EVER.
Side note: Serena passed her polygraph this morning. I'm 99% sure she didn't take a chomp of the zucchini flowers.
Ok I'm done grieving. Now it's time for some action. Dave is off to Maine for the next few days so he won't be able to hear me sobbing but he did leave a voicemail with some advice. If I spray the plants with some sort of spicy pepper solution the squirrels will probably not like it and will probably stay away. However this is too much chance, too much "probably". So I did a little research. Below is the best website EVER. Eric, if you ever read this blog, THANK YOU. I'm so glad there are other people out there that hate squirrels as much as I do.
I just can't help myself today! I am too excited about the garden to not do two posts. Today has also been pretty momentous. Not only was it my tallest friend's birthday (diorama gift pictured above) today but I also got to see Hot Dog lady molest someone! On our walk back from the Pearl St. Diner Hot Dog lady, looking as elegant as one can in an azure Quaker Oats Hoodie, shuffled up to a delivery guy unlocking his bike. With one last puff of her stubby little cigarette, she lifted her hands and BEGAN TO STROKE THE DELIVERY MAN'S PONYTAIL. I shit you not, she actually starting petting him and pulling on it. I thank the Hot Dog gods that I was not alone to witness this because it was too good to be true. Her biggest supporters were with me (thank you Chul, Claire, AVH, Kerri, and Jen for not making a scene and letting this play out).
So go ahead and judge Hot Dog lady all you want but I will defend her decision. The man's hair was oil slick black and looked smoother than a baby's bottom. Unless she thought it was a really burned hot dog and was trying to eat the guy. In that case, BAD HOT DOG LADY!
MORE PICTURES YIPPEEE (notice the change in the zucchini plant already - it has 3 more flowers than it did on Sunday!)
Zucchini Sunday, 6/6/10:
Zucchini Thursday, 6/10/10:
Here are some more views of the deck this morning:
"This mint is squirrel proof" - Serena after attacking the bush like a vodka soaked squirrel
Two posts in four days! Whoa! Someone’s on the ball! How exciting!
First off, thanks to Dave’s extremely patient dad for hanging around our apartment while we took the car to go to the Gowanus Nursery to pick up all of the plants. He even helped carry up 6 bags of soil and 1 enormous package of peat moss (take notes Wynn Phillips)! We owe him big time.
So once Dave got back into Brooklyn on Sunday we carried 6 large bags of organic potting soil and one larger than life palate of peat moss up to the roof. For those of you who haven’t been to my apartment, that’s like 4 flights of (oddly) steep stairs. We filled the large planter with a layer of peat moss. If you remember from previous posts, we had already drilled drainage holes in the bottom, covered them with metal mesh and lined the inside with a plastic bag. This was to ensure that no chemicals from the treated wood leeched into our soil. We had some left over soil from Serena’s previous attempts at a (failed) garden and some other soil from the herbs we planted and this formed the base for our garden.
Peat moss loosely in place, we filled the rest of the planter with really rich organic potting soil. On top of that we laid out the vegetables in a zigzagged pattern. The directions recommended 18-24 inches between every plant but that’s just crazy. How big can these plants get (this question is not to be answered in the comments section)? Obviously we didn’t follow the rules and I am predicting an extremely lush oasis of tomatoes, peppers, zucchini and strawberries.
After we planted the veggies in the box we whipped out the secret weapon...THE TOPSY TURVY. Topsy Turvy is an elegant plastic piece of white trash hanging from the lintel of the rear facade of our house. As Anne McYawnfest so enthusiastically demonstrates in the video, it’s great for tomatoes.
However, we threw caution to the wind and planted A ZUCCHINI PLANT INSTEAD.
You might all think we are the badest of badasses in the gardening community (and you’re right to think so) but we can’t take all the credit for planting zooks instead of tomatoes. If Anne’s lazy ass watched past the 0:58 mark of the Topsy Turvy advert below, she would have found that you can also plant “cukes” (ew, and I’m not commenting on the taste of cucumbers. I’m commenting on the taste the word “cukes” leaves when it rolls off your tongue...BLECH ) peppers and herbs. So cram it Anne McLazybones and gimme a call when you and your yardlover.com posers decide to come up with something better than a half-assed version of the original Topsy Turvy commercial. Take some notes from surprised blonde middle-aged woman #1 in this video and let us know when you’re ready to tango.
Ugh. Now I’m all hot and bothered so here are some soothing pictures of our flowers, hanging from the industrial chain link fence and stolen-from-the sidewalk table. Sit back, relax, and let the menopausal woman inside of you indulge in this:
As Benjamin Linus once said, “Destiny is a fickle bitch”. So wise his words, so terrible his series finale. I promised in my last post that I would add to the blog more regularly and unfortunately I feel that I am destined for far fewer posts than I had anticipated. After watching the piece of garbage that was the LOST series finale, I became extremely ill. Hallucinogenic fevers, unending nausea and loss of appetite were just three of the symptoms I caught from that trash bag of a series finale. So this will be a recap of sorts.
April
I had intended to title this blog post “Brooklyn Hipsters Are Useful?!”. I’ll save you all the drunken details but Dave and I went to a party in Crown Heights that his former roommate Danny was hosting, and by hosting I mean was caught in the midst of. Some Jewish guy out in Bay Ridge owns the building where Danny lived and he basically gave one of the girls who moved in years ago free reign to rent up the building with whomever she wanted. They slowly created an artists cooperative-type building, complete with art installation parties and a communal chicken coop in the back. Hmm. A racial and socioeconomic segregated neighborhood, angst-y white artists who need to spend their parents money wisely on rent....all signs point to hipster-dom.
Fortunately, these folks were reasonably talented and incredibly well organized. During the party, the top floor apartment was made into a bar run by a girl who just happened to be A REAL LIVE URBAN FARMER. I’m sure Dave’s enthusiasm and mine did not impress her, especially since we were 3 drinks deep, but she did play along and offered some solid advice. Zucchini became a definite no for growing in the middle of the garden. It wants to curl around everything and overtake anything it can get its vines on. Potatoes would need more depth. That’s all I really remember. I was more focused on the predator issues. From her experience chicken wire is the only effective way to keep squirrels out.
May
The weather was spectacular and the herbs were growing like WILD. We made another trip to the nursery to pick up vegetables and some flowers to spruce up the newly cleaned deck. Once again, the women at the nursery said it was too early for some veggies and more herbs would have to keep us busy for a few more weeks. We bought some pansies to put in a window box, which T-shirt expertly pruned (sorry Shirt-they look pretty wack now). We bought a small basil plant and luckily it survived some cool nights. We also fixed our watering problem. With access to a car and dogged determination, Dave went to Home Depot and bought a hose and an adapter. We unscrewed the tip of the faucet, placed the adapter on it and can now pop the hose onto the faucet. The hose hangs out the bathroom window and runs all the way to the top of the deck where we have an adjustable garden nozzle. This has made our life much easier. Instead of running up and down the stairs 6 or 7 times with a pitcher of water we can run up and down the stairs 3 times and have unlimited water (special thanks to Dave for taking the initiative to buy the hose and teaching me how NOT to flood the entire bathroom with water at 7:30AM...again).
June
DISASTER STRIKES AGAIN!! This time it was the most natural of predators...the sun! Dave went out to Long Island for a few days and I was so sick I could barely fart without crapping my pants. Needless to say, very little watering was done and just our luck, it was above 80 degrees everyday. I do have to pat us on the back for the resiliency of our herbs, though. Not one of the bushes died due to our negligence. The only casualty was a bush that neither flowered nor was edible (waste of time!). We can also probably use the dried stems and leaves for our brand new compost (holler!). I don’t know much about composting but I do know that our refrigerator doesn’t smell like a dirty diaper from old veggies that were being saved for said compost. I can’t smell it from my window either so it must be working (buzzkill- we learned it takes months before the compost dirt is usable-doh 2.0).
As trigger happy as we were, we didn't plant any real vegetables until this past Sunday. I have some pics to be posted soon. So far we have planted:
3 Tomato plants (Italian, grape and Amish/heirloom) 1 Arugula, genetically modified to include Chris Hansen repellent 2 Zucchini (one in the planter to drape over the side, 1 in a TOPSY TURVY) 1 Green pepper plant 1 Serena Vaccarino approved strawberry bush
We also plan on maybe an eggplant and some more herbs. Stay tuned for pics!
I’M BAAAAACK. I know everyone has been waiting with bated breath for the past...34 DAYS?!!? AH-has it been that long? Well, I know you have all been waiting for the past 34 days for another post. Talk is cheap so I won’t go into the details of my busy life and how I work full time and I’m going to Grad school part-time and my group project imploded on itself when one of my teammates offended all of my coworkers and I had to pick up the pieces and I’m really tired these days because the end of the semester has been really stressful. So you know, I won’t go on about it.
A lot has been happening with the garden. Since the last post we have cleaned up all of the garbage, rearranged the deck, replanted, bought some new plants, rigged a hose from the bathroom window up to the planter and have had another guest gardener (hint: her name is an article of clothing). My spider sense (allergies) tells me most of the trees and flowers in the neighborhood are finally in full bloom. I will go into more detail throughout the week since I have a few weeks off from school. Until then, I will leave you with a LOST-esque cliffhanger: a predator (Smokey?) has breached the fences and has attacked the Dharma Initiative scientists...er...the pansies and mint!
Ed. note: MS Word made me capitalize “smokey”-WTF!?!?
One possible explanation could be this narrative/LOST script (lost script, LOST script, get it?) from the one and only Heinz Healey.
EXT. ADAM’S GARDEN in BROOKLYN – DAY
We follow CHRIS HANSEN on hidden camera as he climbs a fence and drops into the garden. Hansen creeps past the tomatoes, the persimmon and stops at the arugula.
Reveal ADAM PHILLIPS walking out from behind a bush to confront the intruder.
ADAM Hello Chris Hansen. Or should I say, TreeFucker19m.
HANSEN What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ADAM So you didn’t tell BabySpinach13, in a conversation yesterday, quote, “I’m so fucking hungry for leafy business.”
HANSEN (caressing the arugula) No, I didn’t say anything like that.
ADAM Don’t touch that.
Adam produces an 8½x11 photo.
ADAM (CON’T) And you’re saying that you did not send this naked photo of yourself covered in broccoli rabe? HANSEN I, uh, I don’t know. Photoshop— ADAM —empty your pockets.
Hansen puts the contents of his pockets on a nearby table.
ADAM Let’s see here. An herb grinder, garlic press, some pruning shears. HANSEN Okay fine! I admit it! ADAM Not so fast, Chris. What about those cargo pockets?
Hansen sighs. He pulls a Bunsen burner, frying pan and some olive oil out of his pants.
ADAM What do you have to say for yourself? HANSEN (crying) I’m so ashamed. I never meant to hurt anyone. ADAM Preying on an innocent urban garden, Chris? And you didn’t think anyone would get hurt? HANSEN I deserve to die. ADAM Easy, B. It’s only foliage. But it was farmed with care and precision. It’s an investment for the community surrounding it—
Hansen inches over to the zucchini squash while Adam dramatically turns away to look over New York City, continuing his hippie diatribe.
ADAM (CON’T) —because not only are they going to have fresh, local produce, but they’ll also have something beautiful to gaze out upon instead of an empty lot or a tar-top roof—
Hansen unzips his pants as he reaches for a healthy, firm zucchini. He jams the vegetable into his pants.
ADAM (CON’T) —something that they, as a community, have helped cultivate.
Suddenly, a FERAL CAT leaps out from behind a hanging planter and attacks Chris Hansen’s exposed member. As Hansen goes down, a pack of EVIL SQUIRRELS begin dragging him by the legs to their lair.
ADAM (CON’T) —so you can imagine how protective that community must be when a predator such as yourself upsets the delicate balance of—
Just as Hansen is about to be dragged off the roof, two DRUNKEN SQUIRRELS, decked out in short dresses and high heels, appear and take hold of his arms, pulling in the opposite direction of the Evil Squirrels. An epic tug-of-war ensues over Hansen’s increasingly lifeless body.
ADAM (CON’T) —yin and yang. In conclusion, I am going to have to have the authorities apprehend you for preying on our innocent…
Adam turns around to find that Hansen has disappeared. The evil squirrels have clearly won the battle. All that is left are the drunken squirrels sitting in a bloody pile of arugula.
ADAM Must be Tuesday.
DRUNKEN SQUIRREL Yo, c’n I bum a cig?
ADAM Go inside, clean yourselves up and get some seltzer. I’ll be down in five and there had better be a vodka tonic waiting for me.
Scorned, the drunken squirrels shuffle inside the apartment. Adam chuckles and heads to the door, but stops short as he notices something on the ground—it’s Hansen’s zucchini. Adam picks it up, wipes it off on his shirt and holds it to his mouth. But just as he is about to—
ADAM (to the camera) Buy local!
—he takes a bite.
FADE OUT.
Another explanation could be the horrifying video posted below. It was sent to me by one serious BAMF(reeman). I find it suspicious that the video was brought to my attention only this afternoon, before I knew the fence had been breeched. It's like someone wanted me to know there was trouble on the horizon. Hmm.
Scarred for life? I know-me too. Now, decompress by staring into the lovely tree scene from the roof deck of 55 8th Ave and enjoy the music styling of Kenny G.
This week has been really busy with school and work so I want to apologize for leaving you all hanging since the predator post. Luckily for all four of you followers out there my body is at war with the pollen swirling around NYC and I have been up since 4:00AM sneezing like a maniac. I seriously feel and look like the spawn of a zombie and a crackhead. The only way to quantify how cracked out this allergy season is making me feel is to compare myself to Taz.
If any readers out there recall visiting me up on 116th St and had the (un)fortunate experience of coming home past 1:00AM then you probably ran into who we affectionately nicknamed Taz. She is perpetually on the verge of shouting obscenities, asking you for money or lunging to take a bit of your arm. Anyway, I guess on this early Thursday morning the person I feel closest to is my old zombie neighbor, Taz (short for Tasmanian devil). Just me and Taz at 4:00AM, two kindred zombie spirits, coughing, sneezing and scratching our way to relief! No amount of blog-o-sphere nostalgia can reunite me with her (sigh).
But I digress (I think the Zyrtec is kicking in). Better late than never refers to the pictures I’ve been meaning to post of our garden in it’s infancy. About a month ago Dave, special guest Mad Mike and I took a trip to the Gowanus Nursery.
http://www.gowanusnursery.com/
They opened on the first day of spring and lucky for us it was a beautiful day. The women who run the place are extremely friendly and knowledgeable. They could tell we didn’t have the greenest thumbs and were really helpful. Since they advised not to plant anything before the last frost (April 10th-how they have it down to an exact day is beyond me) we kept the shopping simple. Anything they had outside as of that day was fair game to plant and would last throughout the season. We bought a huge bag of potting soil and three herbs: rosemary, lemon thyme and oregano. We have a large window box that fits the herbs perfectly. We also bought tiny seeds to plant around the herbs or in the actual garden. Apparently they are edible flowers that can “spice up any meal!” (the hippy packaging cheesiness, not mine this time) but those have to wait until the last frost.
That left us with a good month to plan which vegetables we wanted to grow and where. Dave had been home in L.I. the weekend before and scavenged a bunch of wood, which we (mostly he) used to build a big planter box. The box is just about finished, save for a coat of wood sealer and a garbage bag lining so we don’t pump ourselves full of formaldehyde ala Taz. Holes have been drilled into the bottom for proper drainage but we still need to cover them with some sort of screen or netting. After that we can fill the bottom layer of planter with gravel and a load of potting soil. We probably could have finished this all in one weekend but, you know, procrastination isn’t a hobby; it’s a way of life.
So how will this garden look once we the box is finished? The idea is to plant tomatoes, green beans, maybe onion, more herbs (parsley, mint, cilantro), eggplant and some sort of leafy green. Some flowers (edible or not) would be nice for some of the pots along the railing of the deck. Oh. And Serena’s strawberry bush.
I hear the birds chirping so that must mean it’s almost 6:00AM. It’s either time for what most people would call’ the start of a really productive day’ or as I sometimes refer to as ‘time to stop drinking.’ Until then, enjoy these pictures of Dave building a planter and me doing nothing useful. Stay tuned for more this weekend - I have a long train ride to CT and really don’t want to waste the whole ride on statistics homework. Smell ya later, or as Taz would say, “BLERG ARG GRRWOARF BLAH BLEEEEH HEY MAAAAAAAAAAN CHEESEBURGER AH-WOOOOOO”.
No Serena, you can't prepare the soil for your strawberry bush with a Solo cup of vodka
OT Herbs has gone green (not pictured: Greg Hill)
Caution: side effects of a Jewish father may lead to irritability and tricking others to work with tools and/or perform manual labor.
