A lot has been happening with the garden. Since the last post we have cleaned up all of the garbage, rearranged the deck, replanted, bought some new plants, rigged a hose from the bathroom window up to the planter and have had another guest gardener (hint: her name is an article of clothing). My spider sense (allergies) tells me most of the trees and flowers in the neighborhood are finally in full bloom. I will go into more detail throughout the week since I have a few weeks off from school. Until then, I will leave you with a LOST-esque cliffhanger: a predator (Smokey?) has breached the fences and has attacked the Dharma Initiative scientists...er...the pansies and mint!
Ed. note: MS Word made me capitalize “smokey”-WTF!?!?
One possible explanation could be this narrative/LOST script (lost script, LOST script, get it?) from the one and only Heinz Healey.
EXT. ADAM’S GARDEN in BROOKLYN – DAY
We follow CHRIS HANSEN on hidden camera as he climbs a fence and drops into the garden. Hansen creeps past the tomatoes, the persimmon and stops at the arugula.
Reveal ADAM PHILLIPS walking out from behind a bush to confront the intruder.
ADAM
Hello Chris Hansen. Or should I say, TreeFucker19m.
HANSEN
What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ADAM
So you didn’t tell BabySpinach13, in a conversation yesterday, quote, “I’m so fucking hungry for leafy business.”
HANSEN
(caressing the arugula) No, I didn’t say anything like that.
ADAM
Don’t touch that.
Adam produces an 8½x11 photo.
ADAM (CON’T)
And you’re saying that you did not send this naked photo of yourself covered in broccoli rabe?
HANSEN
I, uh, I don’t know. Photoshop—
ADAM
—empty your pockets.
Hansen puts the contents of his pockets on a nearby table.
ADAM
Let’s see here. An herb grinder, garlic press, some pruning shears.
HANSEN
Okay fine! I admit it!
ADAM
Not so fast, Chris. What about those cargo pockets?
Hansen sighs. He pulls a Bunsen burner, frying pan and some olive oil out of his pants.
ADAM
What do you have to say for yourself?
HANSEN (crying)
I’m so ashamed. I never meant to hurt anyone.
ADAM
Preying on an innocent urban garden, Chris? And you didn’t think anyone would get hurt?
HANSEN
I deserve to die.
ADAM
Easy, B. It’s only foliage. But it was farmed with care and precision. It’s an investment for the community surrounding it—
Hansen inches over to the zucchini squash while Adam dramatically turns away to look over New York City, continuing his hippie diatribe.
ADAM (CON’T)
—because not only are they going to have fresh, local produce, but they’ll also have something beautiful to gaze out upon instead of an empty lot or a tar-top roof—
Hansen unzips his pants as he reaches for a healthy, firm zucchini. He jams the vegetable into his pants.
ADAM (CON’T)
—something that they, as a community, have helped cultivate.
Suddenly, a FERAL CAT leaps out from behind a hanging planter and attacks Chris Hansen’s exposed member. As Hansen goes down, a pack of EVIL SQUIRRELS begin dragging him by the legs to their lair.
ADAM (CON’T)
—so you can imagine how protective that community must be when a predator such as yourself upsets the delicate balance of—
Just as Hansen is about to be dragged off the roof, two DRUNKEN SQUIRRELS, decked out in short dresses and high heels, appear and take hold of his arms, pulling in the opposite direction of the Evil Squirrels. An epic tug-of-war ensues over Hansen’s increasingly lifeless body.
ADAM (CON’T)
—yin and yang. In conclusion, I am going to have to have the authorities apprehend you for preying on our innocent…
Adam turns around to find that Hansen has disappeared. The evil squirrels have clearly won the battle. All that is left are the drunken squirrels sitting in a bloody pile of arugula.
ADAM
Must be Tuesday.
DRUNKEN SQUIRREL
Yo, c’n I bum a cig?
ADAM
Go inside, clean yourselves up and get some seltzer. I’ll be down in five and there had better be a vodka tonic waiting for me.
Scorned, the drunken squirrels shuffle inside the apartment. Adam chuckles and heads to the door, but stops short as he notices something on the ground—it’s Hansen’s zucchini. Adam picks it up, wipes it off on his shirt and holds it to his mouth. But just as he is about to—
ADAM
(to the camera) Buy local!
—he takes a bite.
FADE OUT.
Another explanation could be the horrifying video posted below. It was sent to me by one serious BAMF(reeman). I find it suspicious that the video was brought to my attention only this afternoon, before I knew the fence had been breeched. It's like someone wanted me to know there was trouble on the horizon. Hmm.
Scarred for life? I know-me too. Now, decompress by staring into the lovely tree scene from the roof deck of 55 8th Ave and enjoy the music styling of Kenny G.
