Hands Off My Arugula Chris Hansen!

No, not Chris Hansen per se. But I am thinking of predators. How can anyone hear the word predator and not think of Chris Hansen and "To Catch a Predator" (to those of you with a more discerning entertainment palate, I apologize and just pretend I'm referencing Arnold Schwarzenegger of 1987's Sci-fi thriller, "Predator")? Instead of creepy middle-aged suburban men (or, dreadlocked, crabfaced BAMF's) the predators I'm worried about live in the urban jungle. I would like to take a minute to identify our predators and classify their capability to destroy our garden. So cram it Chris Hansen (or auf wiedersehen Arnold) because there's a new hunter in town!




Predator: Feral Cat
Modus Operandi: Screeching loudly in the middle of the night; banging out like crazy; gnawing on anything they can get their switchblade-like claws on; terrorizing me.
Threat Level: 4
I am petrified of these little jerks. I have been stalked by many a cat but as much as I don’t want to admit it, their meow is worse than their stupid little cat bite. They are more concerned with getting it on then stuffing their faces with rosemary. Also, there are plenty of little old ladies/clueless families in our neighborhood that put out little bowls of milk. I’m not a cat psychologist or a cat nutritionist but I would think they would rather have a cold bowl of milk than a dusty sprig of rosemary.




Predator: Evil Squirrel
Modus Operandi: Chasing helpless Brooklynites from tree branch to tree branch; fighting pigeons for scraps of cart food; pretending to be cute while sharpening their claws; being really judgmental
Threat Level: 8
Another species of little jerks. These animals are swift, quiet and brutal. Many people believe they are cuddly and cute. Those of you who believe this have been brainwashed by the liberal media. There is nothing cute about a squirrel water skiing or photobombing your perfect vacation at some glacial lake or wherever that couple is in this picture

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbTZXfwfQUE8UDMciHaaDp6iosoz6QV9TTsY_AIshCJRsI5UfuhbSBZSgjMg3yldQ7AxaEzcBQRW0RyHV6SIgvUJ7DGfAAs9V6d3_k2Gm3gPuUwuVLfN_HZ0p7mgUMo4ElZ611SDHAuw/s1600-h/420squirrel-420x0.jpg

. The squirrels have you exactly where they want you but not me. I have experience on my side. My previous garden was sabotaged by a pack of mangey squirrels. This was in NJ so hopefully Brooklyn squirrels are less ruthless, although I doubt it. Feel free to contact my roommate Serena as she has already waged war with these scoundrels.


DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO IT'S EYES



Predator: Drunken Squirrels
Modus Operandi: Working for Coors Light; guzzling seltzer; driving a black tinted window Honda Fit; eating beef jerky and cheese; doing crossword puzzles
Threat Level: 3-10
This rare species of born and bred Park Slopian without the pretentiousness and granola loving characteristics of your typical Park Slopian is slightly less dangerous than a feral cat. Larger, more destructive and (almost) fully self-aware, this predator has been known to bang on car hoods, commandeer cabs and crush Christmas ornaments with high heels. They may seem like an ally (as an entire planter and strawberry bush will be this squirrels pride and joy of the garden) but one too many vodkas and it’s all over. Combined with a penchant for fire and Marlboro Lights, an accidental drunken squirrel could be more destructive then an ill-intentioned F.C.

***If anyone can think of more urban predators then please comment below or call me IMMEDIATELY so we can update our defenses***