Recap (sans pictures)

As Benjamin Linus once said, “Destiny is a fickle bitch”. So wise his words, so terrible his series finale. I promised in my last post that I would add to the blog more regularly and unfortunately I feel that I am destined for far fewer posts than I had anticipated. After watching the piece of garbage that was the LOST series finale, I became extremely ill. Hallucinogenic fevers, unending nausea and loss of appetite were just three of the symptoms I caught from that trash bag of a series finale. So this will be a recap of sorts.

April

I had intended to title this blog post “Brooklyn Hipsters Are Useful?!”. I’ll save you all the drunken details but Dave and I went to a party in Crown Heights that his former roommate Danny was hosting, and by hosting I mean was caught in the midst of. Some Jewish guy out in Bay Ridge owns the building where Danny lived and he basically gave one of the girls who moved in years ago free reign to rent up the building with whomever she wanted. They slowly created an artists cooperative-type building, complete with art installation parties and a communal chicken coop in the back. Hmm. A racial and socioeconomic segregated neighborhood, angst-y white artists who need to spend their parents money wisely on rent....all signs point to hipster-dom.

Fortunately, these folks were reasonably talented and incredibly well organized. During the party, the top floor apartment was made into a bar run by a girl who just happened to be A REAL LIVE URBAN FARMER. I’m sure Dave’s enthusiasm and mine did not impress her, especially since we were 3 drinks deep, but she did play along and offered some solid advice. Zucchini became a definite no for growing in the middle of the garden. It wants to curl around everything and overtake anything it can get its vines on. Potatoes would need more depth. That’s all I really remember. I was more focused on the predator issues. From her experience chicken wire is the only effective way to keep squirrels out.

May

The weather was spectacular and the herbs were growing like WILD. We made another trip to the nursery to pick up vegetables and some flowers to spruce up the newly cleaned deck. Once again, the women at the nursery said it was too early for some veggies and more herbs would have to keep us busy for a few more weeks. We bought some pansies to put in a window box, which T-shirt expertly pruned (sorry Shirt-they look pretty wack now). We bought a small basil plant and luckily it survived some cool nights. We also fixed our watering problem. With access to a car and dogged determination, Dave went to Home Depot and bought a hose and an adapter. We unscrewed the tip of the faucet, placed the adapter on it and can now pop the hose onto the faucet. The hose hangs out the bathroom window and runs all the way to the top of the deck where we have an adjustable garden nozzle. This has made our life much easier. Instead of running up and down the stairs 6 or 7 times with a pitcher of water we can run up and down the stairs 3 times and have unlimited water (special thanks to Dave for taking the initiative to buy the hose and teaching me how NOT to flood the entire bathroom with water at 7:30AM...again).

June

DISASTER STRIKES AGAIN!! This time it was the most natural of predators...the sun! Dave went out to Long Island for a few days and I was so sick I could barely fart without crapping my pants. Needless to say, very little watering was done and just our luck, it was above 80 degrees everyday. I do have to pat us on the back for the resiliency of our herbs, though. Not one of the bushes died due to our negligence. The only casualty was a bush that neither flowered nor was edible (waste of time!). We can also probably use the dried stems and leaves for our brand new compost (holler!). I don’t know much about composting but I do know that our refrigerator doesn’t smell like a dirty diaper from old veggies that were being saved for said compost. I can’t smell it from my window either so it must be working (buzzkill- we learned it takes months before the compost dirt is usable-doh 2.0).

As trigger happy as we were, we didn't plant any real vegetables until this past Sunday. I have some pics to be posted soon. So far we have planted:

3 Tomato plants (Italian, grape and Amish/heirloom)
1 Arugula, genetically modified to include Chris Hansen repellent
2 Zucchini (one in the planter to drape over the side, 1 in a TOPSY TURVY)
1 Green pepper plant
1 Serena Vaccarino approved strawberry bush

We also plan on maybe an eggplant and some more herbs. Stay tuned for pics!

Hey, remember me? I'm that guy with the garden blog!

I’M BAAAAACK. I know everyone has been waiting with bated breath for the past...34 DAYS?!!? AH-has it been that long? Well, I know you have all been waiting for the past 34 days for another post. Talk is cheap so I won’t go into the details of my busy life and how I work full time and I’m going to Grad school part-time and my group project imploded on itself when one of my teammates offended all of my coworkers and I had to pick up the pieces and I’m really tired these days because the end of the semester has been really stressful. So you know, I won’t go on about it.

A lot has been happening with the garden. Since the last post we have cleaned up all of the garbage, rearranged the deck, replanted, bought some new plants, rigged a hose from the bathroom window up to the planter and have had another guest gardener (hint: her name is an article of clothing). My spider sense (allergies) tells me most of the trees and flowers in the neighborhood are finally in full bloom. I will go into more detail throughout the week since I have a few weeks off from school. Until then, I will leave you with a LOST-esque cliffhanger: a predator (Smokey?) has breached the fences and has attacked the Dharma Initiative scientists...er...the pansies and mint!

Ed. note: MS Word made me capitalize “smokey”-WTF!?!?



































One possible explanation could be this narrative/LOST script (lost script, LOST script, get it?) from the one and only Heinz Healey.

EXT. ADAM’S GARDEN in BROOKLYN – DAY

We follow CHRIS HANSEN on hidden camera as he climbs a fence and drops into the garden. Hansen creeps past the tomatoes, the persimmon and stops at the arugula.

Reveal ADAM PHILLIPS walking out from behind a bush to confront the intruder.

ADAM
Hello Chris Hansen. Or should I say, TreeFucker19m.

HANSEN
What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ADAM
So you didn’t tell BabySpinach13, in a conversation yesterday, quote, “I’m so fucking hungry for leafy business.”

HANSEN
(caressing the arugula) No, I didn’t say anything like that.

ADAM
Don’t touch that.

Adam produces an 8½x11 photo.

ADAM (CON’T)
And you’re saying that you did not send this naked photo of yourself covered in broccoli rabe?
HANSEN
I, uh, I don’t know. Photoshop—
ADAM
—empty your pockets.

Hansen puts the contents of his pockets on a nearby table.

ADAM
Let’s see here. An herb grinder, garlic press, some pruning shears.
HANSEN
Okay fine! I admit it!
ADAM
Not so fast, Chris. What about those cargo pockets?

Hansen sighs. He pulls a Bunsen burner, frying pan and some olive oil out of his pants.

ADAM
What do you have to say for yourself?
HANSEN (crying)
I’m so ashamed. I never meant to hurt anyone.
ADAM
Preying on an innocent urban garden, Chris? And you didn’t think anyone would get hurt?
HANSEN
I deserve to die.
ADAM
Easy, B. It’s only foliage. But it was farmed with care and precision. It’s an investment for the community surrounding it—

Hansen inches over to the zucchini squash while Adam dramatically turns away to look over New York City, continuing his hippie diatribe.

ADAM (CON’T)
—because not only are they going to have fresh, local produce, but they’ll also have something beautiful to gaze out upon instead of an empty lot or a tar-top roof—

Hansen unzips his pants as he reaches for a healthy, firm zucchini. He jams the vegetable into his pants.

ADAM (CON’T)
—something that they, as a community, have helped cultivate.

Suddenly, a FERAL CAT leaps out from behind a hanging planter and attacks Chris Hansen’s exposed member. As Hansen goes down, a pack of EVIL SQUIRRELS begin dragging him by the legs to their lair.

ADAM (CON’T)
—so you can imagine how protective that community must be when a predator such as yourself upsets the delicate balance of—

Just as Hansen is about to be dragged off the roof, two DRUNKEN SQUIRRELS, decked out in short dresses and high heels, appear and take hold of his arms, pulling in the opposite direction of the Evil Squirrels. An epic tug-of-war ensues over Hansen’s increasingly lifeless body.

ADAM (CON’T)
—yin and yang. In conclusion, I am going to have to have the authorities apprehend you for preying on our innocent…

Adam turns around to find that Hansen has disappeared. The evil squirrels have clearly won the battle. All that is left are the drunken squirrels sitting in a bloody pile of arugula.

ADAM
Must be Tuesday.

DRUNKEN SQUIRREL
Yo, c’n I bum a cig?

ADAM
Go inside, clean yourselves up and get some seltzer. I’ll be down in five and there had better be a vodka tonic waiting for me.

Scorned, the drunken squirrels shuffle inside the apartment. Adam chuckles and heads to the door, but stops short as he notices something on the ground—it’s Hansen’s zucchini. Adam picks it up, wipes it off on his shirt and holds it to his mouth. But just as he is about to—

ADAM
(to the camera) Buy local!

—he takes a bite.

FADE OUT.

Another explanation could be the horrifying video posted below. It was sent to me by one serious BAMF(reeman). I find it suspicious that the video was brought to my attention only this afternoon, before I knew the fence had been breeched. It's like someone wanted me to know there was trouble on the horizon. Hmm.





Scarred for life? I know-me too. Now, decompress by staring into the lovely tree scene from the roof deck of 55 8th Ave and enjoy the music styling of Kenny G.