Hey, remember me? I'm that guy with the garden blog!

I’M BAAAAACK. I know everyone has been waiting with bated breath for the past...34 DAYS?!!? AH-has it been that long? Well, I know you have all been waiting for the past 34 days for another post. Talk is cheap so I won’t go into the details of my busy life and how I work full time and I’m going to Grad school part-time and my group project imploded on itself when one of my teammates offended all of my coworkers and I had to pick up the pieces and I’m really tired these days because the end of the semester has been really stressful. So you know, I won’t go on about it.

A lot has been happening with the garden. Since the last post we have cleaned up all of the garbage, rearranged the deck, replanted, bought some new plants, rigged a hose from the bathroom window up to the planter and have had another guest gardener (hint: her name is an article of clothing). My spider sense (allergies) tells me most of the trees and flowers in the neighborhood are finally in full bloom. I will go into more detail throughout the week since I have a few weeks off from school. Until then, I will leave you with a LOST-esque cliffhanger: a predator (Smokey?) has breached the fences and has attacked the Dharma Initiative scientists...er...the pansies and mint!

Ed. note: MS Word made me capitalize “smokey”-WTF!?!?



































One possible explanation could be this narrative/LOST script (lost script, LOST script, get it?) from the one and only Heinz Healey.

EXT. ADAM’S GARDEN in BROOKLYN – DAY

We follow CHRIS HANSEN on hidden camera as he climbs a fence and drops into the garden. Hansen creeps past the tomatoes, the persimmon and stops at the arugula.

Reveal ADAM PHILLIPS walking out from behind a bush to confront the intruder.

ADAM
Hello Chris Hansen. Or should I say, TreeFucker19m.

HANSEN
What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ADAM
So you didn’t tell BabySpinach13, in a conversation yesterday, quote, “I’m so fucking hungry for leafy business.”

HANSEN
(caressing the arugula) No, I didn’t say anything like that.

ADAM
Don’t touch that.

Adam produces an 8½x11 photo.

ADAM (CON’T)
And you’re saying that you did not send this naked photo of yourself covered in broccoli rabe?
HANSEN
I, uh, I don’t know. Photoshop—
ADAM
—empty your pockets.

Hansen puts the contents of his pockets on a nearby table.

ADAM
Let’s see here. An herb grinder, garlic press, some pruning shears.
HANSEN
Okay fine! I admit it!
ADAM
Not so fast, Chris. What about those cargo pockets?

Hansen sighs. He pulls a Bunsen burner, frying pan and some olive oil out of his pants.

ADAM
What do you have to say for yourself?
HANSEN (crying)
I’m so ashamed. I never meant to hurt anyone.
ADAM
Preying on an innocent urban garden, Chris? And you didn’t think anyone would get hurt?
HANSEN
I deserve to die.
ADAM
Easy, B. It’s only foliage. But it was farmed with care and precision. It’s an investment for the community surrounding it—

Hansen inches over to the zucchini squash while Adam dramatically turns away to look over New York City, continuing his hippie diatribe.

ADAM (CON’T)
—because not only are they going to have fresh, local produce, but they’ll also have something beautiful to gaze out upon instead of an empty lot or a tar-top roof—

Hansen unzips his pants as he reaches for a healthy, firm zucchini. He jams the vegetable into his pants.

ADAM (CON’T)
—something that they, as a community, have helped cultivate.

Suddenly, a FERAL CAT leaps out from behind a hanging planter and attacks Chris Hansen’s exposed member. As Hansen goes down, a pack of EVIL SQUIRRELS begin dragging him by the legs to their lair.

ADAM (CON’T)
—so you can imagine how protective that community must be when a predator such as yourself upsets the delicate balance of—

Just as Hansen is about to be dragged off the roof, two DRUNKEN SQUIRRELS, decked out in short dresses and high heels, appear and take hold of his arms, pulling in the opposite direction of the Evil Squirrels. An epic tug-of-war ensues over Hansen’s increasingly lifeless body.

ADAM (CON’T)
—yin and yang. In conclusion, I am going to have to have the authorities apprehend you for preying on our innocent…

Adam turns around to find that Hansen has disappeared. The evil squirrels have clearly won the battle. All that is left are the drunken squirrels sitting in a bloody pile of arugula.

ADAM
Must be Tuesday.

DRUNKEN SQUIRREL
Yo, c’n I bum a cig?

ADAM
Go inside, clean yourselves up and get some seltzer. I’ll be down in five and there had better be a vodka tonic waiting for me.

Scorned, the drunken squirrels shuffle inside the apartment. Adam chuckles and heads to the door, but stops short as he notices something on the ground—it’s Hansen’s zucchini. Adam picks it up, wipes it off on his shirt and holds it to his mouth. But just as he is about to—

ADAM
(to the camera) Buy local!

—he takes a bite.

FADE OUT.

Another explanation could be the horrifying video posted below. It was sent to me by one serious BAMF(reeman). I find it suspicious that the video was brought to my attention only this afternoon, before I knew the fence had been breeched. It's like someone wanted me to know there was trouble on the horizon. Hmm.





Scarred for life? I know-me too. Now, decompress by staring into the lovely tree scene from the roof deck of 55 8th Ave and enjoy the music styling of Kenny G.

Hands Off My Arugula Chris Hansen!

No, not Chris Hansen per se. But I am thinking of predators. How can anyone hear the word predator and not think of Chris Hansen and "To Catch a Predator" (to those of you with a more discerning entertainment palate, I apologize and just pretend I'm referencing Arnold Schwarzenegger of 1987's Sci-fi thriller, "Predator")? Instead of creepy middle-aged suburban men (or, dreadlocked, crabfaced BAMF's) the predators I'm worried about live in the urban jungle. I would like to take a minute to identify our predators and classify their capability to destroy our garden. So cram it Chris Hansen (or auf wiedersehen Arnold) because there's a new hunter in town!




Predator: Feral Cat
Modus Operandi: Screeching loudly in the middle of the night; banging out like crazy; gnawing on anything they can get their switchblade-like claws on; terrorizing me.
Threat Level: 4
I am petrified of these little jerks. I have been stalked by many a cat but as much as I don’t want to admit it, their meow is worse than their stupid little cat bite. They are more concerned with getting it on then stuffing their faces with rosemary. Also, there are plenty of little old ladies/clueless families in our neighborhood that put out little bowls of milk. I’m not a cat psychologist or a cat nutritionist but I would think they would rather have a cold bowl of milk than a dusty sprig of rosemary.




Predator: Evil Squirrel
Modus Operandi: Chasing helpless Brooklynites from tree branch to tree branch; fighting pigeons for scraps of cart food; pretending to be cute while sharpening their claws; being really judgmental
Threat Level: 8
Another species of little jerks. These animals are swift, quiet and brutal. Many people believe they are cuddly and cute. Those of you who believe this have been brainwashed by the liberal media. There is nothing cute about a squirrel water skiing or photobombing your perfect vacation at some glacial lake or wherever that couple is in this picture

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCbTZXfwfQUE8UDMciHaaDp6iosoz6QV9TTsY_AIshCJRsI5UfuhbSBZSgjMg3yldQ7AxaEzcBQRW0RyHV6SIgvUJ7DGfAAs9V6d3_k2Gm3gPuUwuVLfN_HZ0p7mgUMo4ElZ611SDHAuw/s1600-h/420squirrel-420x0.jpg

. The squirrels have you exactly where they want you but not me. I have experience on my side. My previous garden was sabotaged by a pack of mangey squirrels. This was in NJ so hopefully Brooklyn squirrels are less ruthless, although I doubt it. Feel free to contact my roommate Serena as she has already waged war with these scoundrels.


DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO IT'S EYES



Predator: Drunken Squirrels
Modus Operandi: Working for Coors Light; guzzling seltzer; driving a black tinted window Honda Fit; eating beef jerky and cheese; doing crossword puzzles
Threat Level: 3-10
This rare species of born and bred Park Slopian without the pretentiousness and granola loving characteristics of your typical Park Slopian is slightly less dangerous than a feral cat. Larger, more destructive and (almost) fully self-aware, this predator has been known to bang on car hoods, commandeer cabs and crush Christmas ornaments with high heels. They may seem like an ally (as an entire planter and strawberry bush will be this squirrels pride and joy of the garden) but one too many vodkas and it’s all over. Combined with a penchant for fire and Marlboro Lights, an accidental drunken squirrel could be more destructive then an ill-intentioned F.C.

***If anyone can think of more urban predators then please comment below or call me IMMEDIATELY so we can update our defenses***